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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27881282">Blame</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/HiddenSt0rms/pseuds/HiddenSt0rms'>HiddenSt0rms</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Fullmetal Alchemist (Anime 2003), Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood &amp; Manga</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alcohol, Angst, Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Minor Character Death, Nausea, Panic Attacks, Post-Ishval Civil War, Sad, Survivor Guilt</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 15:15:35</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,948</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27881282</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/HiddenSt0rms/pseuds/HiddenSt0rms</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>“That’s not the point. I can’t face the others. They’ll know it’s my fault. I was his owner. It was my job to protect him. I was supposed to make sure stuff like this didn’t happen. He shouldn’t have died protecting me.”</p><p>~</p><p>Riza blames herself for Hayate's death. Roy's worried; he's seen her do this before.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Riza Hawkeye &amp; Roy Mustang, Riza Hawkeye/Roy Mustang</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>33</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Blame</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>There’s no way she’s going to work today. This is the worst she’s felt since the Ishvalan War. Even if it feels like there are physically no more tears to shed, she can’t even muster a fake neutral expression, let alone be a Lieutenant. Roy would surely notice and interrogate, and the Elric brothers are supposed to be arriving back in Central today...she just can’t put on a brave face right now.</p><p>Riza gives a quick phone call to Roy, offering no further explanation other than that she’s taking a sick day. Mental health days don’t exist in the military, and certainly not over a dog. Whether Roy believes her to actually be sick is none of her concern right now.  </p><p>When Riza hangs up, she wants to scream to fill the void of the silent apartment. Maybe going to work would have been a good distraction. No, she made the right decision. She’s already crying again.</p><p>It’s not like she’s never felt down in her apartment before. Bad days happen. Stress from work wears her down. Flashbacks and nightmares keep her up at night. But no matter how bad a situation is, no matter what happens, she’s always known she can go home to a jingling collar and the excited pitter-patter of paws. And for a moment, even if only for a second, Lieutenant Hawkeye can just be Riza and spoil her puppy with tough love. They took care of each other. </p><p>Now she’s all alone. </p><p>Riza sobs as she looks at the empty food and water bowls never to be filled again, the doggy bed to remain unused forever. The now unneeded leash and collar hanging on a hook, the bag of dog food and treats on the counter to go to waste. The toys never to be played with again. She’s not getting another dog or pet for that matter. Hayate was hers and hers only. </p><p>She curls up in bed, sobbing at how empty and lonely it feels.</p><p> </p><p>~</p><p> </p><p>Riza slips in and out of restless, drunken sleep all day. Usually it was pure emotion waking her up, but this time it’s persistent knocking on the door. It’s nearly seven in the evening; who could it be? She hadn’t invited anyone over and this is the worst time for an unexpected guest.</p><p>She stops in front of the mirror and cringes. The damage is irreversible, certainly unable to be cleaned up in a matter of seconds. She looks like hell. Her cheeks are red, swollen, and tearstained, likewise her eyes, and her hair is a tousled mess, so unlike her military professional bun. Whoever it is will just have to deal with it.</p><p>“Just a minute.” Riza says as she looks through the peephole. Figures. She swallows hard and opens the door with a salute. “Colonel.” </p><p>Roy’s still in uniform, presumably having come straight from work. His expression drops when he sees Riza’s face. When is the last time he’d seen Riza cry, if ever? She’d even managed to keep a straight face at her own father’s funeral. This is too awkward, out of place. </p><p>“What do you need, sir?” Riza asks impatiently. She wishes Roy had called first. With warning she could have cleaned herself up so she wouldn’t have to be seen like this. </p><p>“I came to check on you. Something told me you weren’t sick when you called this morning,” Roy stammers, shifting on his feet. “Forgive me, Lieutenant. I called earlier but you didn’t answer, so I was worried.”</p><p>“Oh.” That eases some of Riza’s irritation. At least he had tried to be polite. “I apologize, I must have been asleep.”</p><p>Roy’s mind searches for what could be wrong. But that’s when it hits him - Hayate has yet to jump up on him. No sight of the dog anywhere. Roy’s heart plummets. He tries to hope that Hayate is only away at the vet, but something gnaws at him that that’s not the case.</p><p>“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” Is all Roy can think of to say. He feels stuck. There’s nothing that can be said or done, but he’s already here. He can’t leave now. He can’t leave her alone like this.</p><p>Riza feels her lip wobbling again. The professional side of her doesn’t want to cry in front of her commanding officer. “Goodnight Colonel.” She moves to close the door.</p><p>“Wait,” Roy says carefully, looking into her bloodshot eyes. “You don’t have to be alone right now. I understand if that’s what you’d prefer, but I’m here.”</p><p>“Sir, that’s - “ Riza’s voice wavers against her will. She clears her throat and tries to speak again, this time her voice cracking. It’s tempting to slam the door. She can’t be professional like this. How embarrassing.</p><p>“Riza?” </p><p>Riza realizes that she’s spaced out, wishing she could have stayed that way because now she’s bawling again. There’s no stopping it, not after a day of drinking. It’s not a good idea, a risky one in fact, but Roy finds himself pulling Riza closer in a hug. She’s not tense for long before she’s crying into his shoulder. </p><p>Riza thinks back to when she first got Hayate. She’d never been much of an animal person before and certainly hadn’t expected to leave work that day with a stray puppy. It had originally been a temporary arrangement until she could find him a better home. Surely a dog wouldn’t have been happy in a cramped military dorm. She’d feed and house him for a little while and then give him a better life, no feelings attached. </p><p>Their first night together had been uneasy. Hayate kept clawing at the door and shaking, causing Riza to question if taking in a stray was even moral. What if he had a mother out on the streets? Hayate whimpered and hardly touched his dinner, poor thing.</p><p>Riza finally couldn’t take it anymore. She did everything she could to make Hayate comfortable until she could find him the right home. She bought him the bed, the treats, the toys, anything to help him relax. They quickly grew inseparable, and that’s when Riza realized that Hayate was already in the right home. </p><p>And now it feels like it was all a dream. One that ended in a nightmare.</p><p>“It was a car.” Riza’s voice is a cracked whisper. “It’s my fault. I should’ve stopped him. I should’ve paid attention more. It shouldn’t have happened.”</p><p>They had been on a walk like they’ve done every night for years. It had been so uncharacteristic, so unlike the obedient dog Riza raised. Hayate suddenly slipped from his collar and ran off towards the street, growling and barking. She hadn’t even had time to react before the dreadful sound of tires screeching filled the air, and it was too late. </p><p>The light from the car’s headlights revealed a seedy looking man lurking in the alley across the street, who then scurried away now that witnesses were around. Riza couldn’t even bring herself to meet eye contact with the driver. All she could focus on was holding her boy in her arms one last time. </p><p>“He’s just - he’s just never done that before. I should’ve protected him, not the other way around. It’s all my fault.”</p><p>Tears sting at Roy’s eyes too. He pulls out a handkerchief from his pocket and puts it in Riza’s hands. “You’re the smartest and most responsible person I know. It couldn’t have been your fault.”</p><p>Riza cries harder. “But it still happened. I let it happen, Roy. I should’ve - “</p><p>“If you could have done anything, you would have,” Roy says gently. “Right?”</p><p>“I could have stopped him. I could have ran after him. I could have grabbed his collar. His collar was too loose. I made it too loose. Why did I do that? I’ve never done that before. I - “</p><p>“Riza, please don’t do this to yourself,” Roy’s voice is more firm. “You’re going to give yourself a panic attack.”</p><p>That does little to calm Riza down. “I don’t know what else to do. I don’t know what to do.” </p><p>“And you don’t have to. It’s okay.”</p><p>“It’s not. He’s gone. He’s gone and it’s all my fault,” Riza’s face widens with panic. “What am I going to tell people at work?”</p><p>Roy looks at her sympathetically. “You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.”</p><p>“But they’ll figure it out when I - when I don’t - <em> when I don’t bring him to the office anymore</em>.”</p><p>“I don’t think they’ll pry, Riza. And if they try, I’ll stop them.” </p><p>“That’s not the point. I can’t face the others. They’ll know it’s my fault. I was his owner. It was my job to protect him. I was supposed to make sure stuff like this didn’t happen. He shouldn’t have died protecting me.”</p><p>“Stop,” It’s an order now. “Please, Riza. Stop talking. Take deep breaths.”</p><p>Riza realizes that she hasn’t taken a complete breath in a while. She feels so dizzy she might faint. </p><p>“Breathe, Riza. Focus on that.”</p><p>She complies.</p><p>“You’ll get through it one day at a time,” Roy continues softly. “Don’t worry about work, we’ll figure something out. We’ll make this right.”</p><p>“I loved him, Roy. I didn’t think I would but I did,” Riza finally says with less anxiety and more sadness. “I already miss him so much, it’s suffocating. I can’t stand to be in here anymore. Everywhere I turn, I swear I see him. Then I remember.”</p><p>“How about we get some fresh air?” Roy suggests. </p><p>“I’d rather not. That reminds me too.” Riza knows she sounds ridiculous. Not wanting to be in the apartment, not wanting to leave the apartment. </p><p>“What if we order dinner and just...take it easy tonight. Have you eaten anything at all today?”</p><p>Riza hasn’t and for good reason. “I’m not hungry.”</p><p>“You sure? We can have something light.”</p><p>“I’m not hungry,” She repeats. “I can’t eat right now.”</p><p>“That’s not all that’s going on, is it?” Roy asks.</p><p>“I’m afraid if I eat, I’ll throw up,” Riza admits. “I can’t get the images out of my head. It’s all I see when I close my eyes. It makes me sick to my stomach.”</p><p>“That’s understandable. But can I at least get you to drink something? Water? Tea?” Roy tries, but Riza shakes her head.</p><p>“I don’t know if that’s such a good idea.” </p><p>Roy grows solemn. “How long are you planning on not eating?”</p><p>“I already told you, Roy. I don’t feel like eating.”</p><p>“That’s not quite what I meant. It’s not just about you eating or not,” Roy grabs her hands, his voice low. “I know you. You’re going to run yourself down, blaming yourself for things you couldn’t have possibly helped. I’ve seen you do it after Ishval. Please don’t punish yourself. You don’t deserve to suffer like this because of what happened.”</p><p>Riza only nods, choking up again.</p><p>“Let me help. Let the others help. No one blames you for anything.”</p><p>So she does. They settle on the couch, Roy with an arm wrapped around Riza’s shoulder. She’s no longer crying aloud, but her eyes are still red and bleary. She rests her head on Roy’s shoulder, too exhausted to put up a front anymore. Even when it’s late, Roy insists on staying because some things are more important than sleep. </p><p>Riza knows she won’t feel like herself for a while. She knows that thoughts of Hayate will haunt her mind, that nights will be painstakingly lonely, that she’ll eventually have to forgive herself and move on.</p><p>But now with Roy here, even if just for tonight, she doesn’t have to feel alone.</p>
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